What season are you in?
is it Thanksgiving, Christmas, Pumpkin Spice?
Hello Friends,
I’ve been thinking a lot about seasons lately.
Of course, there are the traditional winter, spring, summer, and fall seasons, There is the holiday season, but the word “season” feels more complex than that.
What about sweater weather, pumpkin spice, football season, back-to-school, and the dog days of summer? What about the tired years of having young children or the stressful years of having teens? What about seasons of creativity, rest, and grief?
These feel more specific to me.
Sometimes I walk into Target and feel like I’m late for something.
School supplies are displayed in June, Jack-o-Lanterns in September, and Christmas decorations take over the day after Halloween.
It feels like pressure. I don’t want to be on to the next constantly. I want to savor the season I’m in while I’m in it, even if it’s hard.
November is a beautiful month in Santa Barbara. Summer has finally allowed fall to begin, shadows grow longer, and stepping into the sun feels like a warm hug. Not to mention, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
I got married in November for just this reason.
Nick is a football fan and hunts deer, so this was a big ask. He researched the start of deer season going back ten years just to make sure our anniversary wouldn’t conflict.
We settled on November 7th, 2009, just before the time change, so we could take advantage of the extra light in the evening. (another season, but not for long)
It was a pretty good day.
These days November and I play tug-of-war. It is still a beautiful month, Nick and I celebrated our lucky 13th anniversary, and I still look forward to Thanksgiving, but right smack in the middle of my favorite things is the anniversary of Aiden’s death.
The day before he died, I picked out matching pajamas for the kids. I planned to take a picture for our Christmas card the next time we were all home together. The morning Aiden died, Nick and I made plans for how we would spend the holidays. We talked about what we would do if he were in the hospital or at home. We talked about gifts for the kids.
And then the world stopped spinning. It was November 12th, 2019, at 2:10 in the afternoon.
In those first few days, each hour could have been given its own season:
shock,
anger
sadness
numb
pain
confusion
rage
bewilderment
wonderment
detached
fear
traumatized
suspicion
GRIEF
In the last three years, I’ve moved in and out and through all these emotions and more. Sometimes the feeling is fleeting (rage), sometimes it’s not (detached) Some feel like they will never leave me (bewilderment, sadness, GRIEF), and that’s ok.
Naming the season I’m in helps.
These days I feel I’m in a season of reflection. A season to pause, a different version of that weird week between Christmas and the New Year.
I’m writing my story, at least what I am able to articulate. I’m ruminating on 13 years of marriage. I’m taking stock of the last three years without Aiden.
Tomorrow will be another day of reflection, probably harder than the day before and the day after, but a season I will savor nonetheless.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
xoxo,
Emily
Your Journal Prompt for Today
Post your response in the comments below or tag me on Instagram @emilykathleenwrites
Read This Week
This is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone
I am confused about almost everything. I can't picture this world or these characters. I didn't understand the plot. The only thing I know is how beautiful this love story is a Romeo and Juliet-type love and tragedy.
“I want to meet you in every place I ever loved. Listen to me. I am your echo. I would rather break the world than lose you.” Has there ever been a more beautiful and desperate sentence? (more)
** spoiler alert ** I was drawn in by the idea of voluntourism but could never take a trip this long myself. (more)
What are you reading?
Links to Ponder
The “borrowed light” of interior windows. I’m so glad we are incorporating one of these beauties into our floor plan. (Washington Post)
What season describes your personality? I’m winter. (Buzzfeed)
Wanted: An Everyday Friend (Joy Thompson)
Thinking about mood lighting (Cup of Jo)
I love it when someone else’s rambling describes my own experience (Renegade Mothering)
The Velveteen Rabbit was always more than a children’s book (Vulture)
I love the idea of an indoor herb garden in winter (Washington Post)
Little rituals that keep you going (The New York Times)
Sprawling holidays (Culture Study)
If you only have time for one thing… I feel this pup’s vibe (dogszick)
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Loved the segment on searching for an everyday friend. I often wonder why what was so way in childhood seems to have vanished.
Love your letter. Such a beautiful observation of all that is November. Thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you peace.