Smitten
struck. as with a hard blow. Yeah, that sounds about right.
Hello Friends,
An angel has sent me an angel.
On the day I was to check into the hospital, I waddled around town, running errands and wrapping up projects. People could no doubt tell how close I was, and I got a lot of knowing smiles. I took one last float in the hot tub at the gym and relished in the excitement and specificity of saying, “Today is the day.”
“When are you due?”
“I check into the hospital tonight.”
(shocked face)
“Is this your first?”
“It’s my fourth.”
(again, shocked face, and I appreciate that she doesn’t call me an ‘old pro’)
“Are you ready?”
“Is anyone ever ready?”
My body, with all its aches and pains, was an unavoidable reminder that soon there would be a new human in this world. I hardly thought about Aiden in those final weeks.
But today, THE day, he is all I think about. I cannot separate my grief from my joy, and so I decide not to try.
I cried sad, angry tears when I saw the car seat, Aiden’s car seat, re-installed in the backseat. The reflection in the mirror shows it is just as empty as it was four years ago. I wondered if the car seat was as nervous as I was.
I was shaking when we got to the hospital, when I put the hospital gown on, when they took my vitals, and when they placed the IV.
“I’m nervous,” I said.
They gave me something to help, and then they hooked me up to the monitors.
“Do you want me to turn the volume down?”
“No, I don’t mind.” I fell asleep listening to her heartbeat. Grief untangled, and she felt like her own person again.
The next morning I felt ready. I couldn’t have manifested a more serene birth experience. I felt like a flower-power-granola-hippy mom who doesn’t use drugs, except I used ALL the drugs.
“Come on, baby,” I said and gave one final push.
“Look down.”
She came out sunny side up, so she was facing me. I laughed when I saw her beautifully contorted and goopy face.
“Well, hello there.”
She was born at 2:09 pm. It struck me that Aiden died at 2:10 pm, and for some reason, it feels significant. Big brother Aiden did a good job in choosing this little nugget for us.
The next day I looked down at her tiny face, and for just a moment, I saw a little smirk, like she was laughing at an inside joke. It reminded me of Aiden.
“She’s a Tatum,” I say.
“I think so, too,” Nick says.
Every day since she has stolen our hearts. The word I keep returning to is smitten.
And here I stand at the beginning.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
xoxo,
Emily
Your Journal Prompt for Today
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Read This Week
Thank You for Listening by Julia Whelan
A delightful novel that could only be written by a wildly successful audio-book narrator like Julia Whelan. Stephen King says everyone loves reading about work, and this novel is no exception. I enjoyed learning about the idiosyncrasies of the audio narrator's profession, like that green apples cure cotton mouth; who knew? (more)
I love it when an author throws a bunch of characters with complicated personalities and backstories together, and we watch what happens. None of the characters were particularly likable, but it's not a story that needs, or could possibly have, a hero. (more)
What are you reading?
Links to Ponder
Tyre Nichols, as he should be remembered. (Nikkolas Smith)
I binged all six seasons of Peaky Blinders in three weeks. My inner dialogue is spoken with a gravelly Birmingham accent (Peaky Blinders)
My brother, the cool dude with the guitar (Surefire Method)
Best Tom’s Diner cover ever! (AnnenMayKantereit)
If you could, would you want to know when you will die? My answer is an emphatic, No! (Washington Post)
The case for starting a book journal. This is the one I use. (Book Riot)
Best marriage advice (Instagram)
These cookies are delicious! (Brown Butter Cookie Company)
Trader Joe’s Hall of Fame (Trader Joe’s)
As old as Cheerios. I am as old as C-SPAN (Poetry Foundation)
If you only have time for one thing… “Please love me” Homeless mother is reunited with her dog. (Washington Post)
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