Two Years
Man, I miss that kid.
First, some housekeeping.
I’ve started sharing a weekly journal prompt. I hope you will take five minutes to jot down your thoughts. Feel free to share what comes up for you in the comments below or shoot me an email. I love hearing from my readers!
Hello Friends,
I’m doing things a little differently this week.
Today marks the second anniversary of my son Aiden’s death. He has now been gone longer than he was here and it never fails to shock me how short of a time I had my sweet boy in my life.
Rather than share my usual thoughts and links I thought I’d share a few things that have helped me make it through the last two years. I’ll warn you it’s a ramble, but maybe there is a nugget or two you can take with you.
I talk about some tough things here so if you’re not in a good place, you might want to skip this one.
I have two alarms set on my phone. One for 9am and another for 3pm. It has been like this for over a decade.
I set them as reminders to pay attention. To what, changes.
Today the 9 am alarm says, “You are enough,” and the 3 pm alarm says, “He misses you too.”
These last two years have been about learning how to mother Aiden when he is so far away.
When I see a hawk flying above me, or a little boy about Aidens age, or anything having to do with frogs, I think of Aiden thinking of me and I feel better. It’s like a little tap on the shoulder reminding me I am still his mother.
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When Aiden was sick we were given no less than 20 blankets. There must be some list somewhere on the internet that says when someone is taking care of a sick child they need a blanket. After a while it started to be comical, but like all things like this there is at least one that makes all the others worth while.
This one was a weighted blanket. After Aiden died and I thought I might go mad I used the weighted blanket to keep me on earth. I still use it when I feel anxious even if it’s just on my feet.
I got a lot of books on grief after Aiden died. One of them, well I should say nine pages of one of them, saved my life.
The book is, The Unspeakable Loss: How do you live after a child dies? by Nisha Zenoff, PhD
There is a chapter called, “What do I do with the feeling that I want to die to be with my child?'“
I thought I was going mad. I thought I was being ungrateful. The whole word was telling me this was “God’s will,” and that “Everything happens for a reason,” and “You need to be grateful for the time you had.”
None of this felt true to me and I was terrified. I read those nine pages and realized I had, “a powerful resistance to being separated from my child,” and these were common feelings.
The time between Aiden’s death and his funeral was excruciating. I’m not ready to write about it quite yet, but one day I will.
If you’re in emotional distress or suicidal crisis help is available. Call today (800) 273-8255. And remember, you won’t always feel this way.
I follow my feet when I don’t know what else to do. I look down and there is something so comforting about knowing that where ever I go my feet will go with me.
Today I will spend time with my family, think about Aiden, visit the Frog Wall, and maybe do some writing. It won’t be anything spectacular, but it will be meaningful.
If you’d like to share your response to the journal prompt this week, either hit reply on this email or post your coment below. I’d love to read it.
Sorry this was such a ramble, but sometimes the words just don’t come and that’s okay.
What are you reading or listening to this week? Please post your response in the comments below or tag me on Instagram @emilykathleenwrites