(Not) How I Remember It
Think of a photo you haven’t seen in a long time. Describe it in as much detail as possible. Then look at the photo. What did you get right? What did you get wrong?
Welcome to another installment of The Bittersweet, where I share stories from my search for a richer perspective on the bittersweet moments that make up modern life.
Hello Friends,
The other day, I was searching for a picture from my childhood. The way I remember it, I am sandwiched between two girls from my street, Lindsay and Lori. We look to be around three or four. The grass is green, which, in Central California, makes me think it’s probably spring or early summer. The three of us sit on the new metal swingset in my backyard. Lori, in a bright red shirt, is on the swing to the right of me. Her chocolate brown hair is cut in a perfect bowl around her head. Lindsey is to my left. Her stick-straight bangs are cut just above her eyes. I am in the middle with unruly strawberry-blonde curls and no shoes.
We all pull back with both hands on the chain of the swings, making our small selves as big as we can. We bear our teeth at the camera to say “cheese” and stretch our necks out like sprinters at a finish line.
The picture is grainy because it's old, but also because it's been copied, screenshotted, and moved digitally from place to place.
I haven't lived in my childhood home since I graduated high school in 1998. I left for college, and in the summer after my freshman year, my mother died… breast cancer. Since my father died when I was four, the house was left to my brother and me. When we sold the it in 2004, the swingset was long gone.
If I were standing in that backyard today, I would check for signs that I was there. I can almost feel the dry, dead grass under my feet because, even at 44 years old, I would surely not be wearing shoes. I’d look for the concrete footings from where the swings used to be and see if the grass was still worn beneath.
After about an hour of scrolling through Google Photos, I finally found the picture.
What's interesting is not what I accurately remembered about the picture but what I got wrong. I nailed the hair for all three of us. I rememberd Lori’s shirt and my bare feet, but I'm not in the center and have a close-lipped smile. It's not even my backyard; it's Lindsay’s.
Also, we are wearing pants and since summers are unbareably hot in the Central Valley, I think this picture could have been taken in the fall.
I wish I could turn the camera around and see who took the picture. It makes me want to know: Was this before or after September of 1983? Was it before my dad died or after? Is this a neighborhood barbecue filled with happy people? Or is my mother just out of frame, wracked with grief? Is she grateful to see me happy playing with friends? For the other military wives on our street? Or did she send me outside to play so she could be alone? I'll never know.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
Emily
From the archives: A contemplation on rituals and that time I ran backward.
Coming up: We are moving this weekend and that means the remodel is finally moving forward. I have some ideas on how I might share that journey with you so stay tuned. It will be more than just a a typical before and after project, though that’s fun too. This is a story about how to create meaningful spaces even when there will always be someone missing at the dinner table.
Linkspo
A very interesting conversation about the intersection of conspiracy theories and antisemitism. (Pantsuit Politics Podcast)
Loved this essay from
about tearing up a wedding album to make room for more memories.I love all things Bob Ross (The Washington Post)
Stand so you don’t have to grieve alone (
)A beautiful and powerful piece of writing from
and about what happens when the brain is broken. I would love to see behind the scenes of her learning to write again after a traumatic brain injury!Meryl, Goldie, and one of my favorite movies! (You Are Good Podcast)
If you only have time for one thing… I learned so much from this novel set in the contemporary deaf community. I will never look at one of those videos of a child getting a cochlear implant and hearing for the first time again! (True Biz by Sara Novic)
P.S. Food for thought… Think of a photo you haven’t seen in a long time. Describe it in as much detail as possible. Then look at the photo. What did you get right? What did you get wrong? Drop a comment below.
How did you know foggy memories were on my mind this week?! I have some beautiful memories from my childhood that I cherish...but I don’t poke at them too often out of fear of finding out I’ve misremembered them!