Memory Lane

Instagram Reels have me crying buckets.

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Hello Friends,

Today, while nursing the baby to sleep and scrolling Instagram, I saw this…

itshaleyjoelle

A post shared by Haley Joelle (@itshaleyjoelle)

PICTURE

I’ve always been a sucker for all things that tug at the heartstrings, and this one hit me right in the center.

Of course, I thought of Aiden. It reminded me of a story I wrote for Love What Matters.

Sometimes, when I’m struggling to get out of bed, I like to go through my pictures of Aiden. I start from the day he was born and scroll through each one. I never thought I’d be so grateful for the time stamp feature or live photos. It makes my memory of the moment more specific, more real. The camera roll on my iPhone serves as a record he was here and he was mine.

This was published less than a year after Aiden’s death, and I can feel the intensity of my grief. The first paragraph, where I describe his diagnosis and sudden death, comes out in one breath, and I can tell I’m just trying to get it over with.

Shortly after Aiden died, a friend told me, “Right now, it’s like a photograph in perfect focus. The image is bright and crisp, and sharp. Over time your camera will adjust, some things will fall out of focus, and your experience will change.” I remember appreciating that he didn’t tell me it would get better.

In time, my most traumatic memories moved to the background, and I thought more about Aiden’s good days.

emilykathleenwrites

A post shared by Emily Henderson (@emilykathleenwrites)

I’ve watched this a million times, and yesterday, I showed it to Tatum. She waved her arms, kicked her legs, and made faces at my phone. I like to think she recognized him.

It’s a peculiar thing to cry over the loss of one child while marveling over the joy of another child, to have arms that feel both empty and full.

The thought that comes to mind is,

“Would you look at that…”

This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.

xoxo,

Emily

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Your Journal Prompt for Today

Post your response in the comments below or tag me on Instagram @emilykathleenwrites

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Links to Ponder

For all those embarking on the wild ride that is parenting a teenager (The Rich Roll Podcast)

Grilled cheese! (The Kitchn)

In the land of fruit and nuts, how could California ever choose state food (The New York Times)

Shanade O’Connor did more than rip up a picture of the Pope (You’re Wrong About)

“Nothing, not one thing, hurts us more — or causes us to hurt others more — than our certainties.” (The Marginalian)

This is a fun quiz (The Verge)

Ed Helms, of Office and The Hangover fame, explains how a law with 0% support and a law with 100% support BOTH have the same 30% chance of being passed.

If you only have time for one thing… Cheryl Strayed is ten years older than I am, and I’ve always looked to her as a creative role model. Our life experience leads to similar conclusions, and more than anyone, she makes me feel seen, “Ever since my mom died, I’ve been afraid I’d die young, and getting older heightens my awareness of that. It’s not that I’m anxious about it daily. It doesn’t dominate my life or keep me up at night. But sometimes I’ll do the math and think it can’t be true that in thirty years I’ll be 84! I want more time. I’m not one of those when my time’s up; it’s up to people. I want to live! I want to turn 100 and marvel at my children’s gorgeous heads of gray hair.” (Oldster)

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