I have a cold
and I'm not happy about it
Hello Friends,
You know those people who say, “I hate being sick,” as if they are particularly unique in their dislike of feeling ill?
I am one of those people.
For the first time in nearly five years, I find myself with a cold, not COVID (I tested twice) but an honest-to-goodness, stuffy nose, raspy voice, energy-draining cold, and I’m not happy about it.
I spent the first day and a half in denial. I went about my house chores, carting the kids to and from school and practice, pretending I wasn’t feeling progressively worse, but by the end of day two, I cried uncle.
My husband Nick came home from work at 9 pm, and I whined, “I don’t like being sick.”
“No one likes being sick,” He said.
He helped me figure out the dosage of my cold medicine and brought me my water bottle. I mumbled, “Dinner is on the stove, and sorry about not doing the dishes.”
Why was I apologizing for not doing the dishes? But I didn’t have the energy to respond to myself. I let the PM part of my cold medicine take over and fell asleep.
When my alarm went off at 6:30 the next morning, I texted Nick, who spent the night in the guest room, asking him to take the kids to school. I tried not to feel guilty.
Again, why did I feel guilty??
Two hours later, I rolled out of bed and padded into the kitchen. I spent the morning sipping tea, eating oatmeal, and reading the headlines from my favorite newsletters. I made a playlist. I’ve never made a playlist before because I thought it would be hard. It wasn’t.
I blew my nose a lot.
I read this article and then re-read this article, both questioning our current notions of “self-care.” One writer calls it a “wellness trap.” I wondered if what these articles are getting at might be connected to my guilt over being sick and needing help.
Consider self-help books. I LOVE self-help books, but most present an impossible to attain, let alone sustain, ideal. If you added up the time it would take to complete the suggestions in the Miracle Morning, that’s an hour out of your day. And what if you want to try Moring Pages? That’s another hour.
You might start a book with a problem and end it with a to-do list you will inevitably fail to complete.
I like the things I do when I feel like I am caring for myself. Who doesn’t? I like pedicures and exercising and making a fancy snack for no reason other than I want to eat a good meal out of a pretty bowl.
I like making things feel special, even if no one else is around to see it.
I feel good after calling a friend I know is struggling. I like doing random acts of kindness when no one is looking.
What I don’t like is feeling like a martyr, feeling resentment, or feeling guilty for not doing the dishes when I’m sick. These are pressures I put on myself, but there is outside pressure too.
I’m usually pretty good and turning down the volume of outside expectations, but it’s harder when I don’t feel well. Maybe it’s more useful to see this pressure as a barometer for my well-being, a weathervane pointing towards slowing down, making my life a little smaller, quieter.
Last night I asked for help with dinner. We sat on the couch and watched football, and I went to bed early. This morning when Nick came in to get dressed, I asked if he could take the kids to school again. He, of course, said yes. I fell back to sleep and didn’t feel guilty.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
xoxo,
Emily
Read This Week
The Puma Years by: Laura Coleman
I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It is probably the most compelling memoir I've ever read in both its exciting scenes and in the way it forced me to consider the environment and my privileged place on this planet. The nature writing is beautiful…(more)
BitterSweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by: Susan Cain
If my life were to have a title, it would be Bittersweet which is why it is hard for me to evaluate this book objectively, so I'm not even going to try… (more)
What are you reading?
Links to ponder this weekend
A precious story about family bonding and Wordle (The Atlantic)
How does Mo Williams organize his library? “There’s another shelf off to the side for philosophy and humor, which I see as being the same category.” (New York Times)
On siblings (Cup of Jo)
Turing self-care into others-care (Design for Mankind)
How to catch a rainbow (The Daily Respite)
How does this homeowner feel about her kitchen remodel one year later (Wit & Delight)
“Deciding Where to Eat” and other newly discovered Love Languages (Mc Sweeney’s)
This one made me and the kids laugh (Coffee and Crumbs)
Reading and introverts (Introvert, Dear)
What do friends teach you about life? A writing prompt (NYT, The Learning Network)
Your Journal Prompt for Today
Post your response in the comments below or tag me on Instagram @emilykathleenwrites