Friendship Study: A Value, Not a Person
The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center
In an era where you have access to every word ever written, I’m so grateful you’ve chosen to read mine.
Welcome to another installment of Linkpso, where I take a piece of content and use it as a springboard for creativity.
Hello Friends,
Let me get right to it. I’m lonely. Not in a someone needs to check on me kind of way, just in an I miss people kind of way.
Last week, I shared how some of my most meaningful friendships have suffered, dwindled, and even disappeared.
There are numerous reasons: personal tragedy, the pandemic, we had a baby, built a house, and life is just busy. I had my head down for so long that when I finally had a moment to breathe, I looked around and realized I was alone.
That sounds dramatic, so let me take a minute to contradict myself.
When my son, Aiden, died, there were more than 300 people at his funeral there to support us. A few weeks later, a friend remarked on how many people we have in our corner. I told her she had the same kind of support, but she didn’t know it, which was a good thing. I told her, “If you had any idea how many people would show up for you, it meant your life was about to fall apart.”
A lot of people have my back, and I have a long list of people I would drop everything for, but still, I feel lonely.
This got me thinking about friendship. How to find and keep good friends? What are my expectations? Where do I need to change? And where do I need to practice acceptance?
Last week, I read The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen.
The book argues that we should consider more options for our significant others than a spouse.
The stories made me rethink how people are blocked from caring for their loved ones, especially in housing, health care, and legal settings. The number of caregiving examples in this book felt repetitive but drove home that we are living longer and must reckon with our ever-changing care needs.
I loved the section on housing as I have a secret dream of building a compound for Nick and me, along with three other couples, to retire together. We would build a big house we can all share that would include quarters for live-in nurses as we require more care.
I also thought a ton about the fact that I had my last baby at 43 and that this is not uncommon. I want to be near my children, but I want them to have their own adventures rather than be burdened with my care. Re-thinking living situations and long-term care is something I want to start doing now, and friendships outside of marriage need to be part of the conversation.
I found the subtitle "Reimagining Life w/ Friendship at the Center" frustrating. When I first saw it, I thought, YES! This is what I’m looking for: how to put friendship at the center of my life.
But the book seemed to argue with itself. It opened with the idea that we can’t expect our spouses to fill all our needs, but all the examples were about finding that one special person (other than your spouse) to be YOUR PERSON. In other words, this was friendship with a person, not friendship as a value.
The problem is that people are fickle and fallible and have struggles and lives of their own; values need not be any of those things. Values guide choices.
and so my search continues…
A few things I’ve done in the meantime are plan a meet-up with at least one friend every week, and if I’m texting a friend and it’s longer than three sentences or involves more than logistics, I call. There’s nothing like hearing the voice of someone you care about.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
The Bittersweet Weekly is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support this work, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
For Further reading…
We Have Become a Lonley Nation. It’s Time to Fix That. Surgeon General: Vivek H. Murthy (New York Times)
Surgeon General’s Final Perscription for America (Rich Roll Podcast)
Letters From Love w/ Elizabeth Gilbert is essentially a journaling practice, but it is also a beautiful community of people. Even through the internet, I feel less alone.
I absolutely think we are lonely as a whole. But I also think that it’s hard to distinguish between being alone and being lonely (or at least I do). It’s a question I get asked often: Isn’t living alone lonely? Well I spent my whole day with other people, so no 🤣
But positively less lonely by knowing you!
I've been trying to do more phone calls and more zooms to supplement IRL. Substack has been a great source of additional friendships.