Hello Friends,
Here’s what we have: me, six months pregnant, trying to ignore the beeping sound coming from my neighbor’s house, tired from yet another night of poor sleep.
Restless legs wake me up every few hours.
Funny, how I always thought restless legs was some condition invented by the pharmaceutical companies to sell us all more pills, and then I found out it was a real thing during my first pregnancy… more than a decade ago.
I sit at my desk trying, unsuccessfully, to put my thoughts together on a feeling I’m not sure I understand.
Stumped, I resorted to plagiarising my first line from my favorite blogger. I used a similar picture and stole her title too. Shameless.
So here I am, 43 years old, pregnant with a very much wanted, very much planned baby girl oscillating between logistics; What did we do with the old bouncer? How will we remodel a house and have a newborn at the same time? And feelings, will such a big age gap keep the kids from bonding? Will she be lonely when they go off to college? What will it feel like the day she outlives Aiden?
I’m self-conscious too. I worry someone will say I’m trying to replace Aiden, which couldn’t be further from the truth. The hole he left is still there; the hurt is no less painful.
I think about how I will never take a vacation with all of my children, and our family photos will always be missing one. I worry this little girl currently kicking in my belly won’t know her big brother. I tell the kids it’s our job to make sure she does.
In my darkest moments, I worry it will happen again despite the odds being impossibly low.
I hear conversations about birth order and the “ideal” age gap differently. My oldest will be nearly 12 years older than my youngest. She will be in second grade when my middle daughter goes off to college.
I will be 64 when this baby girl turns 21. I’ve gotten a few looks when people see my growing belly. One woman said, “You’ve never worried about having a geriatric pregnancy.” In the same way, someone might say, “You never worry about how you look.” I decided to accept the compliment.
I care, but not enough to let it ruin my day or even my hour.
When Nick and I were considering trying to have another baby, we didn’t think about any of this because, really, the only question that matters is, “Do we want to grow our family?” After we answered yes, all of those worries were still there, but they mattered less.
It’s entirely possible that even if Aiden never got sick and he was just a toe-headed pre-schooler with sticky fingers and the mischievous smile he was born with, Nick and I might have looked at each other one happy morning and admitted to wanting just one more…
Maybe she was always coming to us?
And that is where the grief lies.
He should be here, and it’s stupid that he’s not. And there is nothing else to say. Baby or no baby, losing Aiden will never be fair, never be un-sad.
Yesterday I was resting on the couch before picking up the kids from school, and I was struck with this overwhelming excitement to meet this new baby. I literally could not stop smiling.
It reminded me of what my Aunt said when I told her we were expecting, “This is such an affirmation of love and life.”
Life is coming… if you’re lucky. But you must be here to experience it, to feel it, even when it hurts.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
xoxo,
Emily
Read This Week
The Love of My Life by Rosie Walsh
This book is about really tough questions and has you asking, "What would you do?" the whole time, and my answers weren't always clear. (more)
Bomb Shelter by Mary Laura Philpott
How do you keep the ones you love safe... forever? How do you know how it will all turn out? These are the questions posed by the author as she grapples with her son's complicated medical diagnosis, her children leaving for college, and middle age. (more)
What are you reading?
Links to Ponder
Goodnight Moon and the promise of rest and independence (New York Times)
Fine china, family recipes, and a seat at the table This had me excited to serve fancy meals once our house is remodeled (Washington Post)
As a mom of kids who love playing sports, I found this one question if youth sports could be reformed pretty interesting (Culture Study)
Plant native plants and save the planet! (Washington Post)
A powerful conversation about grief between Anderson Cooper and Stephen Colbert (All There Is Podcast)
How to create a cozy reading area (Modern Mrs. Darcy)
It’s Burrito Week in Santa Barbara! (Santa Barbara Independant)
“Get a plant and name it after yourself.” (Humans of NY)
Creating a limb that is all your own (Washington Post)
If you read one thing, make it this beautiful story from my writing teacher about her teenage daughter (Motherwell)
Your Journal Prompt for Today
Post your response in the comments below or tag me on Instagram @emilykathleenwrites
Congrats Emily. Happy for you all. I’m reading Write for Your Life by Anna Quindlen.