December, with Gratitude
an unexpectedly quiet month
Welcome to another installment of The Bittersweet, where I share my search for a richer perspective on the Bittersweet moments that make up modern life.
Hello Friends,
The first few weeks after we moved back home felt like a long-awaited exhale, but the weeks and months since have been destabilizing in ways I didn’t expect.
Recently, I returned to a daily gratitude practice, and just like going to the gym, getting a mammogram, and even brushing my teeth, I always feel better after it’s done.
My routine is nearly identical to what it was when I first got sober almost 17 years ago. Each morning, I drive to a coffee shop for my daily dose of iced tea. Then, I sit in my car in the parking lot, read from the Daily Reflections, and write down what I’m grateful for. Sometimes, it’s a short list; sometimes, it’s a few sentences about one thing. I could fill volumes with the number of times this practice has saved me from myself.
You’d think the benefits of the practice would make me more diligent, but I’m not that kind of alcoholic. I grow at the speed of pain. In 2024, I turned to this practice a grand total of 28 times, and I feel it.
In January, I wrote nearly every day, ending the month with:
Today I am grateful for this little book. Compact in size and humble in subject matter. It’s me, a snapshot in time. Will I ever look back at these? Probably not, but I like knowing they are there.
Then, a few months later, in March, I wrote:
“resentment, anger, or a desire to see someone punished, are things that rot my soul.”
As much as I would love to put someone in their place, it never feels as good as I think it will.
I remember this morning… I wish I had paid more attention to what I felt then.
I wrote one entry in April:
Today I am grateful for Sunday mornings, double sweatshirts, a body that can run, a mind that can create and a heart that is still open.
I did not write again until Thanksgiving Day, but I’ve kept at it every day since.
Which brings me to today and my gratitude for December.
Today I am grateful for December. In Santa Barbara that means cold, clear, golden sunsets.
This year, both kids have a three week break that started mid-month. And because I have older kids, and because we aren’t traveling, there is a slow and cozy vibe about these last weeks of the year. I don’t even care that I haven’t finished shopping and I laugh when people ask if, “I’m ready for the holiday?”
It’s so sweet to see the baby become aware of the Christmas season and I look forward to the next five-six years of conspiring with the older kids to make magic for her.
2025 will have it’s challenges. I’m glad to have these weeks to relish with my quiet family before the year is out.
I’ve been doing this long enough to recognize that essentially abandoning a practice I know works for me means something. It probably means a combination of things, but I don’t know exactly what yet. Like Zora Neale Hurston says, “There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”
I’m grateful to have these next few weeks to contemplate, re-calibrate, and prepare for what’s to come.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
Emily
I'm rather lax with my gratitude journal too, despite -- as you said -- it being something that always makes me feel better. Going to try and remember to do this more often in 2025.