Baby's Soft Spot & Mine
Recording videos of baby's first cold
Hello Friends,
I’m obsessed with the feel of my baby’s head. I move my palm from the base of her neck, up and over the crown of her head, then down towards her forehead and off the bridge of her nose.
I do this slowly, methodically. Her skin and hair below my hand feel like velvet. I breathe in her smell.
I often stop to feel the fontanel on the top of her head. I wonder, has it changed since the last time?
Tatum had her first cold this week. Just run-of-the-mill congestion, no fever, but it was enough to send me spinning. The congestion made her breathing sound labored. Post-nasal drip caused her to gag. Fear of missing something made me lose sleep.
When I recorded her breathing just in case the pediatrician needed to see it, I realized this is how my PTSD is showing itself today.
Aiden was 17 months old when he was diagnosed with brain cancer. His soft spot hadn’t closed. I began rubbing Aiden’s head as one of the many ways I checked in with his body to see how he was receiving treatment.
My palm felt the long scar up the back of his neck and skull, then grazed the top of his head and settled on his fontanel. I checked: Does it feel taught, hard, or tender? Does it feel raised or sunken in?
I took pictures of rashes and wounds, and discolorations of his skin. I took videos of facial twitches and eye movements. It felt like helping in a helpless situation.
I peeked my head out from behind my iPhone to watch my sleeping daughter, who sounds more like a grown man snoring than an infant. She is so gorgeous, and I am so grateful. Also, ugly things happen, and I am so sad, and my heart is always on the verge of bursting with joy and sorrow.
I am forever changed as a parent. The idea that my children should outlive their mother is shattered, and yet, I am exactly the same. My instincts lead to the same conclusion and the same actions. My soft spots are in the exact same place.
This is where I am today. Thank you for listening.
xoxo,
Emily
Check out the last 12 minutes of this podcast for a discussion on exactly what I’m talking about. Life is fragile, and “I love it here!”
Your Journal Prompt for Today
Post your response in the comments below or tag me on Instagram @emilykathleenwrites
On the Blog & Elsewhere
Sometimes I write about things that don’t seem quite right to share here at I’m Really Very Literary, and that’s why I’m glad I still have the blog, EmilyKathleenWrites.com
Here’s a story about my first book journal
Seven Things I Learned from 100 Books
It’s amazing what you can learn about your reading life when you pay attention.
A while back, I started tracking my reading using Anne Bogel’s My Reading Life: A Book Journal. I just finished the 100th entry, and the predominant feeling I have is pride. Books and reading weren’t always the source of joy they are now, but rather a source of shame.
I was slow to learn to read. In elementary school, I was always in the lowest level reading group, back when they didn’t acknowledge the hierarchy, but everyone knew. I used to check out books from the library, but I never did more than look at the pictures. I had a strong vocabulary and could read all the words, but I didn’t understand how, when put together, they made a story. When I got too old for picture books, I skimmed the pages, searching for words I knew, trying to piece together context. For my book reports, I copied the flap copy on the back. (read the full post here)
Read This Week
The Cartographers by Peng Shepard
Nell Young hasn't talked to her father in 7 years, not since he fired her from her dream job at the maps division at the New York Public Library after a fight over a cheap gas station map from 1930. (more)
Girl, Woman, Other by Bernardine Evaristo
I listened to the audio, searching for reasons to feel meh, but the further I got into the story, I actually cared more about these characters, not less. The unique prose/poem style borders on the edge of free verse and keep me engaged. (more)
‘You Just Need to Lose Weight”: and 19 Other Myths About Fat People by Aubrey Gordon
I found Aubrey Gordon through her podcast Maintenance Phase, and like the podcast, this book forced me to confront my anti-fat bias again and again (more)
"I'm scheduled to depart for Nashville in 27 hours, and I can't stop refreshing the forecast." - I love it when an author puts the whole thesis of the book right up front. (more)
Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
I do not game, never have, and never will (unless my 11-year-old son begs me to play... I struggle to say no to those baby blues). I did not like any of these characters, but I connected with them. This book is both quiet and fast. (more)
What are you reading?
Links to Ponder
SchoolHouse Rock turns 50! Grammar Girl interviews one of the founders (Grammar Girl Podcast) Conjunction Junction… (YouTube)
I loved this interview with Penn Badgley (Funny Cuz It’s True) and this song by Kendrick Lamar (YouTube)
A life that’s fu#@ing rad! (GuyWithTheHair)
What would you title your memoir? (Cup of Jo) I’ve already got one for mine.
How to exist in polite society (The Cut)
Love these cozy cabins (Dwell)
If you only have time for one thing… Listen completely (Swiss Miss)
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